he's not with us anymore

by casio dad

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1.
in this room 02:12
disgusting sunshine scratching at my door i’m stuck inside your bed of roses these walls are all thats not penetrated the life we’ve created wants to kill us living in the basement midnight, talking to the vcr sleeping in the spaces i can find between the bursts of noise early light shines through the blinds at 6 am specks of dust float over the blue light of the panasonic i want to go back to what i had living in polaroid photographs the further i get into the future the less i remember the past.
2.
s u m m e r 04:36
this is where i lost you yesterday and where i first saw her name written in the blank space of torn up receipt this is how you never heard your name and how your mind was torn away a sudden jolt from a long falling dream and last night some kind of banshee was screaming out from the place I was before its voice was sick and desperate while begging her for more it’s what keeps us both together from a lifetime away no time passed still trapped in that day shadows of palm trees draw patterns on hotel curtains she’s dead asleep in an unmade bed she never sleeps alone when we had all summer until the winter killed us all you wanted to wait for some sort of fate believing that God would save us it’s worthless you know it’s no one’s fault but ours the only one we love is not with us anymore i’ll lose my identity to not be your enemy you’re not another victim of the things that she did to me i just need stability but monotony’s killing me denying the lies an exercise in futility i’m not better off with fake love a life that i can’t think of or know what to make of it death from inside last night i thought about giving up on everything and settling down with you i know it sounds so stupid after all that we’ve been through maybe I’m just afraid to feel anything but hate it’s just a miserable state portraits of children line hallways, a broken household i’m clawing right through the wallpaper that’s peeling off the walls when we had all summer until the winter killed us all you wanted to wait for some sort of fate believing that God would save us it’s worthless you know it’s no one’s fault but ours the only one we love is not with us anymore i don’t want to die he’s not with us anymore When we had all summer winter he’s not with us anymore shadows of palm trees draw patterns on hotel curtains she’s dead asleep in an unmade bed she never sleeps alone i loved you last summer we lost him last winter trapped in my bed i called you and said “i’m going to fucking end it.” it’s worthless you know we’ll never change the past i’ll only hide behind the guilt from what i’ve done.
3.
fake violins 04:23
she never broke any windows a love like starving and waiting and fake violins bowed their song through the air ducts fistfulls of anticonvulsants stuck in her throat she gave her all that she could do picked up a hairpin and bent it to make a ring gave her all that she could do she tried the door, it wouldn’t open so lets start again together i’ll run away forever you know i can’t help coming back to you break all our friends who ever loved us and made life better fuck them they don’t have any clue so lets start again together i’ll run away forever you know i can’t help coming back to you break all our friends who ever loved us and made life better fuck them they don’t have any clue take a melody simple as can be give it some words and sweet harmony raise your voices all day long now, love grows strong now sing a melody of love oh, love so lets start again together i’ll run away forever you know i can’t help coming back to you break all our friends who ever loved us and made life better fuck them they don’t have any clue.
4.
time it goes so slow and then it passes fast trapped in the past with you seems like yesterday we were dreaming of the moon but we were taken far too soon from our homes and we don’t know just where to go when we’re all alone i’ll suffocate this comfort intermingled in the lights cul-de-sacs of empty neighborhoods (stars stars shining down) i’d kill myself (pretty lights all around) and you’d kill me too when i’m alone with you i’ll believe 300 years or more your love is all that i live for and when i’m fucking dead, can i still be with you? you give me everything i need your voice pollutes the air i breathe when all the other girls are out to break my neck so i think i just might stay to try to keep the night away and nothing means anything but i’m ok with you i’ll believe 300 years or more your love is all that i live for and when i’m fucking dead, can i still be with you? you give me everything i need your voice pollutes the air i breathe when all the other girls are out to break my neck so i think i just might stay to try to keep the night away and nothing means anything but i’m ok with you so i think i just might stay to try to keep the night away and nothing means anything but i’m ok with you so i think i just might stay to try to keep the night away and nothing means anything but i’m ok with you.
5.
(rest easy) 01:22
6.
i don’t want a lot of recognition i just want you to know who i am do what it takes to find my place to prove i’m more than just a man i will travel to the ends of the earth to the deepest of depths hoping someday i can see your bright and smiling face again it now begins nothing will stand in my way the ship drops and the engine roars rotors spinning through the murky depths pale creatures pass the window ports captivated and obsessed the pressure builds outside the darkness swallows the light i feel the warmth of a passing glance from the bottom of the sea and maybe i can breathe down here sounds of laughter pull me closer as my eyes begin to burn in this blackness, full of nowhere, past the point of no return, i’m alive i can’t speak to you anymore since the doctors took your voice but i thought i heard you laughing now a baby’s voice swims all around me don’t believe what the people say i can’t just change my mind i know that you’re out there crying i know sounds of laughter pull me closer as my eyes begin to burn in this blackness, full of nowhere, past the point of no return, i’m alive sounds of laughter pull me closer as my eyes begin to burn in this blackness, full of nowhere, past the point of no return, i’m alive. these dirty bedsheets, torn up and yellowed. my face in the pillow, s u f f o c a t e d.

about

After countless hours of recording in my dorm, closet, parent’s house, attic, car, apartment and anywhere else I could find, I’m finally done with this damn thing. It’s been just about everything it could be for me: fun, frustrating, inspiring, discouraging, but most importantly it’s been a really cathartic experience that has helped me recover from a really bad spot in a rewarding way. Looking back on it now, it’s hard for me to even understand these songs because I’ve become so divorced from the feelings that inspired them, but he’s not with us anymore serves as a perfect snapshot of last winter when I hated love and constantly felt like a horrible human being. I could write a whole book about this album and what it means but it’s probably better that I let the music speak for itself. Yeah.

Special thanks to:

Rachel Sigal for putting up with the noise when she lived in the dorm next to me and for being a great and supportive girlfriend (and my first patron on Patreon) as I completed this album.

Grant Givens for helping write the early completely unrecognizable version of summer and telling me it was too good of a song for Lucky Death Princess Squad Go! Go! Go!

Madeline Jackson for her feedback on summer that gave me the kick I needed to finish this whole album and for that one time she came over to play Mario Party 2

Cole McClendon for letting me borrow his mics and instruments constantly

Nik Clay and everyone else at Petal Port for providing me with a platform to make this album a bigger deal than I thought it could be

And finally everyone else who gave me feedback or encouragement or just told me that everything’s gonna be ok.

[PP06]

credits

released October 1, 2015

All instruments performed and recorded by J McClendon.
Gang vocals provided by Rachel Sigal, Madeline Jackson, Grant Givens, Tanner Bransom, and Carter Bransom.
Mixed by J McClendon.
Mastered by Timothy Lindsay.

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